Turning Trauma into Triumph: Jessie Torres on Finding Strength in Adversity

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Welcome back to Narrowing the Divide.

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Today's guest is Jessi Torres.

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Jessi specializes in helping people realize the gifts in their pain and or their trauma and learn how to leverage that to take control of their lives or their work.

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I don't want to do it any more injustice.

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Jessi, thank you for joining me.

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Thank you for having me down.

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I appreciate it.

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Absolutely.

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I look forward to all of my conversations, but this one intrigues me because you have a wealth of background that led you to where you are today.

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Before we get into any of that, why don't you tell me a little bit more about what it is that you're doing today?

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Absolutely.

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What I'm doing is I'm helping people really discover what it is that's limiting them in their life today.

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So you know there's so much suffering out there in the world, but we're not taught to look at our past in a way that empowers us.

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When we look at past traumas or past things that have happened to us, it's usually like, oh, I don't want to remember that, or I screwed up, or this is what happened to me.

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And we're not taught to seek the other side of the story, which is the beautiful soul that got back up.

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And so part of it is when we have any limitation in our life today, we don't know to know.

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We don't know to know that there's an invisible thread of something that happened in the past that's creating a limitation now, and we're not taught to seek it in that manner.

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We only, like people say, coaches say you know your past doesn't equal your future, and I say absolutely it does.

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We're just not taught to seek the other story.

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Right, it's like when you see the child being abused, you feel terrible and you feel, oh my God, that poor child was victimized, right, but there's also a child that got back up that still decided to be kind, that still decided to grow up and be a good person Like that is there too.

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So what if that resilience that child built was something that they didn't know they were going to need in the future?

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And so when we start to see ourselves through a different set of lenses, I always say I help people see the unseen, so they never unsee it and we can start to rewrite the story and pull the gifts and the beauty from our past to anchor our strength and our power today, versus see only the limitation or the hurt.

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So really helping people recognize and live into the survivor side of life after whatever may have come and the thriver side, not just survival, because some of the things that we do in survival like, let's just say, somebody had a father who was, you know, you're never going to amount to anything and you know what, don't even try, don't even bother and then that child grows up and becomes very successful because it has the mentality of like I'll show you right, and they live from that having to prove energy, and so they do well on paper, but they're exhausted, burnt out, they're unhappy because it's never enough.

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It's a cat chasing its tail and they're chasing worthiness on their accomplishments.

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Those are the main people I work with.

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That makes so much sense, and you may not know this about me, but I spent 13 years in the military as a victim advocate, and that's just the title, because I prefer, especially in those scenarios, to use the word survive.

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But I absolutely concur, there's much more to getting beyond survival and that's moving into thriving.

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So I love that.

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Now seems like a great time to go back then and find out well, what's your story, what you didn't just decide to help people with this.

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Yeah, Well, honestly, it was a moment in my life where I got to an apathetic place, a place where I was praying for somebody to blow the red light so I could be done with this life, Because if the life I was living was all there was and that's what I believed, then life wasn't worth living.

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You know it's like.

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But my children didn't.

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Because of them I didn't take my own life Because I didn't want that to be what they carry the rest of their world, but I wanted it.

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I was praying for somebody to do it because I didn't know that I could have another way out.

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Divorce wasn't an option and I thought dying was the only way out of my situation because of the shame right.

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So I come from a history of childhood sexual abuse with my father, and so from that abuse I created the story that I was now gross dirty.

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Nobody would ever love me, Right.

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So now I met my, my husband and, by the way, I always give this disclaimer I, I.

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This isn't to vilify anybody.

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I love my, my ex, I love my dad.

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It's like I've.

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I've now come to a place of total forgiveness and also acceptance of my journey, because I get to be here to help serve others out of suffering of my journey, because I get to be here to help serve others out of suffering.

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So when I was 18, I then met my soon to be husband, Um, and he called out what was happening with my father.

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He, he said, you know, he brought me home late one night Cause when I turned 18, I started to rebel.

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I was like, okay, dad, you want me home at midnight, I'll be home at two, Like I was just like I'm out of here Cause I was still running from him.

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And when I was 16, I tried to tell my mom, but he twisted my words Um, um, molest I use the word molest, and molestar in Spanish means to bother or annoy so he twisted my words and I never heard another word about it.

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And so for the next two years I was still running from him.

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And so when I turned 18, I met this guy and he brought me home late.

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My dad was on the porch, angry, told him to get out, told me to get in the house and yelled at me throughout the night.

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But the next day my then boyfriend said what's up with your dad?

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And I said what do you mean?

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He was mad because you brought me home late and he said, no, that was a jealous man.

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And he said, no, that was a jealous man.

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And those words opened Pandora's box in me.

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That had me share with him, probably more than I needed to, but the fact that he still wanted to be with me.

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After that I was hooked.

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I was like how do you love me with all my filth?

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Now you know everything.

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So I fell madly in love.

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Now my ex came from a history of an alcoholic mother who was very brutal.

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He was the youngest of four, the only boy, and he would come home to his sister's unconscious on the floor Like it was really bad.

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She had a drink in her hand at 10 o'clock in the morning, you know.

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And so we came together and we always said our souls, our soul children, our inner child, found each other.

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And so at 18 and 21, he's like my kids will never see me drink.

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And I said my kids will never be molested.

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And we thought we fixed it Right.

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It's not enough just to know what you've been through.

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You have to understand the emotional trauma and the energetics that you're now bringing to the table.

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So now we get married, because I told my mom I want to move in with my boyfriend because I want to get out of the house, and my beautiful mom, devout Catholic, and I honor all people's faith but she said my daughter will not move in with a man and not be married.

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So I moved out Monday, I was married Friday and so now what ended up happening?

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We have these three, we, we thought we're going to have the white picket fence, we're going to have the dog, we're going to have the kids, and for the most part we did that.

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But we also brought in our traumas.

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So he was very volatile, very vulgar, very angry.

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That's how he communicated with his mother.

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His mother called him a loser every day, and so my dad called us stupid and was also volatile, but not nearly as much as my, my ex, and so it was familiar, I didn't know any different.

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So it was just like, oh, this is just what men do.

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And so it became, I always say, like a little mini Vietnam.

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You never knew where, when you were going to step on a time bomb, what mood was he in?

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If you left a Coke on the counter, he was going to go off.

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And so I became the shield between me and my kids and I just got to the point where I was called everything in the book and I was also praised as the best thing walking on earth, and I was also beat down to the worst disgusting thing you could possibly say.

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So it was just very confusing to me and I thought if this is what life is, I don't want it.

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It hurts too much.

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I got numb.

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I caught to a point where I told him I said you've stabbed me everywhere and I kept band-aiding and band-aiding.

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I bled out.

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I got nothing left.

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I was numb and it was an act of kindness that got me to come out of that situation, An act of kindness that I wish I knew the people's information now because I would love to thank them Like they'll never know who.

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They woke up.

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But this act of kindness my dad had taught me that you know people want to get in your pants, so don't trust anybody.

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And my ex had told me people want to mess up a good marriage, Jess, so don't talk to anybody about a marriage.

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So I looked down at the ground.

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I didn't make eye contact.

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I just it just was safer to just not connect because my ex was very jealous.

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So when these people acted kind it short-circuited me.

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I was like I don't know, You're giving me this for no reason, Like I don't understand.

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And what I knew is that, whatever this feeling was, it fanned the little, tiny light that I still had in my essence, enough to say I don't know what this feeling is, but if this feeling's available, then life is worth living.

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And that gave me the courage to get out of my situation and, from that moment, created an insatiable hunger to understand human beings.

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Like I want to know why my dad did what he did, why my mom ignored it, why my husband did what he did and why I allowed it.

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And I started to read, go to therapy, seminars, workshops, whatever I could, to understand how, at 38 years old, I had gotten to a place where I had no clue who I was.

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Wow, yeah, I can relate to so much of those feelings.

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You know different stories, but I'm 48 and I like to tell people I'm still searching after life in the military.

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So you know, six years since the military and I can see how all of those pieces fit together.

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But I'm curious about the, that act of kindness.

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That was the real turning point, is what I picked up on.

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Can you share more about what, what they did?

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Yes, it's, and again it's, so it's.

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I love to tell the story because it allows me to relate to people that we are not helpless, that your smallest act of kindness can change the trajectory of someone's life like it did mine.

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So true.

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And what it was was.

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My ex was a police officer, he was LAPD and he had gotten in an injury, medically retired and then was a special agent for Amtrak and so I always loved the excitement and I went on like many ride-alongs and I like looking for the invisible brake in the police car, you know, and I thought I want to help people and I had never done anything for myself and I was a mom, I was a stay-at-home mom and I took care of the kids.

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But I'm like I want more.

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And I knew that I was not going to be a cop, I'm not going to throw anybody up against the wall, but I thought, what about firefighting?

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And so at that time, first I took a search class with this community emergency response team and my ex again being so controlling, he went with me, although he didn't need it, he was a cop, but he went with me to monitor.

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You know who I was talking to.

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And then the next phase was an EMT course and because I thought, what if I'd be a firefighter?

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Right, and I thought that at least I'm helping people and I'll learn how to how to help people.

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So I took an emergency medicine course that the time didn't work out with him.

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So I was able to take it on my own, but I was terrified.

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So I'm in this class and I'm the girl in the back of the classroom peeing her pants because the teacher is telling her everybody, stand up and introduce yourself.

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I'm just like, oh no, because I'm so scared, right.

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But one of the things the teacher said.

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He said this class is very difficult, you're going to need group study.

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Class is very difficult, you're going to need group study.

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So I'm immediately scanning the room for only women, because my husband will not allow me to have group study with men.

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So this is kind of the way it was.

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Well, so what happened is, as we're going through the course, I ended up flunking.

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I had a 10 chapter quiz and my ex broke his leg.

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He broke his tib fib on a motorcycle accident.

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So I'm at the hospital in the morning, I'm at the hospital at lunch hour.

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I was working in corporate at the time.

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I went home, fed the kids, went back to the hospital and had to be there till 11 o'clock at night and I had this quiz and I flunked it and I was devastated.

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It was the first thing I'd ever done for myself.

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And, um, you can't fail.

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You know, for emergency medicine you're going to be answering 911 calls.

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So one fail, you're out, right.

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So the teacher approached me and said you know, he asked me what was going on because it wasn't like me.

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And I said I told him what was going on with my husband and what had happened.

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And he said look, I'll do you a favor and instead of flunking you, I won't give you a fail, but I'll give you an incomplete if you promise to take the course again next semester.

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And I was so elated.

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I was like, cause I was always the good girl and get a fail, I was so devastated.

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And so what he allowed me to do was audit the class.

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So now the class is like half of its lecture and then the other half is scenarios.

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So because I was there auditing, I became the patient for the mock 911 calls.

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So now, and I'm like shy, and I'm like you know, and now I'm being strapped to a gurney, I'm like, oh my God, if my husband sees this, I'm dead.

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I was put being put under stairwells, I was put in elevators, I was put under bushes and people are pulling leaves out of my hair and they're like thank you so much, like you're helping us learn, and what I ended up doing.

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This is back in 2003.

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So, you know, making slideshow videos was not as easy, but I created this montage video of their journey Cause, like these are, this is community college, so you have college.

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They came in with Mohawks and piercings and now they're standing at attention in uniform, you know.

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So I did this montage video for them as a as a gift, and they all pulled together and bought me a Best Buy card.

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They just put money in a pool and they bought me this gift certificate.

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That's all it was, but that, in and of itself, was just like they they again, they were thanking me throughout.

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So nice, and I I'm again, I'm not familiar with this, like everybody is a threat to me until they're not, you know.

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And so the fact that they were being kind, the fact that they all pulled together and got me this gift, it totally short circuited me.

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I'm like I don't understand.

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You're giving me something to my, from my perspective, for no reason.

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And so I knew that that Saturday class I was alive, and when I went home I felt dead, and just that was enough to have me go.

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Okay, something, something else is available than the life I was living.

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Then I need to fight for it.

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Well, so then, I love that.

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What a what a great Testament to the power of kindness, because I believe in kindness and sharing it every opportunity that I get and I don't.

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You know, oftentimes, when you approach the world like that, you never see the impact.

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Right.

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And so it's nice to hear a testament to what a simple act of kindness could do.

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So I'm curious then.

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So you realized that life had more potential than you ever believed or thought, or maybe even were told.

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That was the turning point.

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What happened next?

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What did you do?

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Well, I was in massive survival at that point.

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My ex was very angry and very volatile and he was making death threats to my boss, to my teacher, and so I mean I slept on the parking lot of churches just to not go home, because the minute he saw me he would go into this tirade.

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I have twin boys and a daughter, and they were 17 and a half at the time and my daughter was 15.

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And so they were 17 and a half at the time and my daughter was 15.

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So they were in this very sensitive age and so they were seeing this explosion of rage.

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And so it was very, very difficult.

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Um, foreclosed on the house, repoed, all the cars, like I, was turned upside down in every way a human could be turned upside down.

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But I think that there was something in me that knew I had to get through it.

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You know, I was terrified.

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I didn't.

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I had to buy a Thomas guide back then MapQuest was just coming out.

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I had to buy a Thomas guide just to drive out of my city because I didn't know I didn't go anywhere.

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That's how kept I was.

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So I went into massive survival, cried, pulled over, cried, got back in my car to try to find a place for us to live.

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We came from a 3000 square foot custom built home to I.

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I'm making $10 an hour back then.

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Wow, you know, having to have my mom on social security co-sign for me to just get an apartment.

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So it went into massive survival.

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But in that it was like every challenge that was placed in front of me I faced and I started to build grit and again it created that hunger of like.

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I got to figure this out.

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I got three kids that are depending on me.

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I need to figure out how to get past my fears, how to get past my belief system that this is all there is, like what if I could create more?

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And I remember the first book I picked up is why I love authors, and I don't remember the entire premise of the book, but I remember then one section that it just taught me that I could actually change my beliefs.

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You know, it's like you don't know, like when you're in it, like I didn't know I was living with shame.

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I didn't even know to call it shame, it's just what I was.

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I thought this is who I am and when I realized that I can change my beliefs, that I was in control of that and that I didn't have to believe what I was patterned to believe.

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Again, another short circuit moment.

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I was like huh, and then it just created more hunger, more hunger and more curiosity.

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And it was until my own therapy session which I said to my therapist I'm like I want to do what you do, but that's a lot of school and that's a lot of time.

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And this was now probably 2005, 2006.

00:18:32.326 --> 00:18:33.068
And she said you should be a coach.

00:18:33.068 --> 00:18:34.535
And I'm like soccer coach, like what are you talking about?

00:18:34.535 --> 00:18:44.143
Like the coaching industry was not as big as it is right now and I looked into it and I I joined a coach's training Institute and cause wanted some hands-on.

00:18:44.143 --> 00:18:46.548
I like, I like tactile, I don't just like virtual.

00:18:47.076 --> 00:18:47.657
And it was both.

00:18:47.718 --> 00:19:05.121
It was half virtual, half in person and I fell in love with it because as you learn coaching, you are coaching yourself, you know you're, you're going through the motions and and I fell in love with it and I was working full-time corporate at the time, trying to build a coaching practice, so it was really hard.

00:19:05.121 --> 00:19:11.727
And then I met Tony Robbins and that became my like, oh my God, if I could be a coach here, that would be amazing.

00:19:11.727 --> 00:19:17.721
And the story of how I got there is one for another time, but it's a great one as well.

00:19:17.721 --> 00:19:19.798
The determination that it took.

00:19:19.798 --> 00:19:32.401
When Tony Robbins gets thousands of resumes a day, and what I did to actually get in front of the director of coaching, um, and what I was willing to do, which is sleep in my car just to to meet him.

00:19:32.401 --> 00:19:40.704
And when I finally did, I just said hey, introduce myself, my name is Jesse Torres and he's like oh, I do remember you, you speak Spanish, don't you?

00:19:40.704 --> 00:19:41.646
And I said yes, I do.

00:19:41.646 --> 00:19:45.976
And, um, he said we've talked for like 20 minutes.

00:19:45.976 --> 00:19:47.561
He said next thing you call.

00:19:47.561 --> 00:19:49.087
And to do his word he did.

00:19:49.810 --> 00:19:58.478
And I became a Tony Robbins coach for seven years, and so what's great about that is that with Tony, he's built such a obviously a a huge empire.

00:19:58.478 --> 00:20:07.353
But what's beautiful about having been a coach there is that I got to coach people from all over the world and when you do that you start to see human behavior patterns.

00:20:07.353 --> 00:20:12.406
Right, it doesn't matter where you come from, you just see what's going on, and so it gives you a really good muscle.

00:20:12.406 --> 00:20:21.422
And then from that I wanted more and Tony Robbins is an amazing coach and he's doing amazing work, but I wanted more of a spiritual connection for me.

00:20:21.662 --> 00:20:25.449
I wanted to evolve mindset shifting right.

00:20:25.449 --> 00:20:32.556
I wanted to understand why we had limitation to begin with, and so I went to India, became a meditation instructor.

00:20:32.556 --> 00:20:34.741
I apprenticed with a shaman for a year.

00:20:34.741 --> 00:20:50.382
I went to HeartMath Institute, which is a beautiful organization, and understand the rhythm of the heart and what happens in our frequency and our bodies when we're in a depleted emotion, became a trainer there and I've just kind of been in this insatiable hunger and I'm always still learning, always still training, always still.

00:20:50.382 --> 00:20:53.597
I have my own coaches you know that I work with because I believe in it so much.

00:20:55.300 --> 00:21:07.558
I 100% support that and it's funny I heard you talking Tony Robbins there for a second and then you brought him up, so I was going to say that sounds a lot.

00:21:07.558 --> 00:21:25.788
You know a lot of what he focuses on, especially like creating lasting change, that you know that ability to shift our beliefs, change those beliefs and those value systems that we have picked up and taught or you know or have grown with us along the way.

00:21:25.788 --> 00:21:27.682
Society influences some of that.

00:21:27.682 --> 00:21:33.204
Even and I agree, coaching people from all over the world is an amazing experience.

00:21:33.204 --> 00:21:47.027
Like you, I have just a genuine curiosity for what makes people do the things they do, why they do it, and always seeking opportunities to learn.

00:21:47.027 --> 00:21:48.057
Like that.

00:21:48.057 --> 00:21:51.045
It sounds like you've had some really fabulous experiences.

00:21:51.045 --> 00:21:58.666
I've never been to India, been lots of other places, but that sounds like it was a really unique experience.

00:21:59.188 --> 00:21:59.588
Definitely.

00:22:00.796 --> 00:22:17.932
So you recognize that you could change those beliefs and then you started not to take anything away, but then you started to pursue the education and the knowledge, so to speak, to reinforce that and really start to implement change.

00:22:17.932 --> 00:22:18.471
Is that right?

00:22:19.275 --> 00:22:29.961
Absolutely and again, ultimately, and this is why I'm so passionate about it, people don't know, you know, they, they just they think this is all there is.

00:22:29.961 --> 00:22:32.728
Or you know, life is good.

00:22:32.728 --> 00:22:40.939
It's not bad, you know, but they have this knocking on their heart that says there's more for me, I know there's a bigger game I'm meant to play, but I I just why.

00:22:41.019 --> 00:22:41.259
Why am?

00:22:41.259 --> 00:22:42.500
Why am I seeking more?

00:22:42.500 --> 00:22:44.222
Why can't I just be happy with what I have?

00:22:44.222 --> 00:22:50.050
And and there's a stopping point and I'm here to create an army of angels.

00:22:50.050 --> 00:22:53.388
I want to awaken the light warrior within you.

00:22:53.429 --> 00:22:59.346
Know the part of us that wants to, because I believe that when we fall in love with ourselves, we all we want to do is give.

00:22:59.346 --> 00:23:01.461
All we want to do is give back to the world.

00:23:01.461 --> 00:23:09.938
Right, it's like we're here for each other.

00:23:09.938 --> 00:23:10.540
You know, nobody goes it alone.

00:23:10.540 --> 00:23:11.586
You know, if you're lone, wolfing it, that's a sad day.

00:23:11.586 --> 00:23:12.008
You know what I mean.

00:23:12.008 --> 00:23:14.698
It's like whenever we do something good or great, the first thing you want to do is tell somebody you love.

00:23:14.698 --> 00:23:16.683
You know like this thing happened.

00:23:16.683 --> 00:23:18.375
We're here for each other.

00:23:18.736 --> 00:23:37.358
So if we can really come back to our essence, come back to our truth, come back to the magnificence that we are, the beauty that God, universe, whatever your belief has created, and we can fall in love with ourselves, we start to see humanity with a different set of lenses, and when we do, we see things with compassion.

00:23:37.358 --> 00:23:42.905
We see that when somebody treats us unkind, it's a reflection of their pain, not our truth.

00:23:42.905 --> 00:23:45.013
And then we can wrap compassion.

00:23:45.013 --> 00:23:54.027
It doesn't mean we are on the other side of their bullseye, but we can wrap compassion around them because in order to spew venom, they have to eat that first, and that really sucks.

00:23:54.736 --> 00:24:02.789
Hmm, so good, Really is what would you tell the person who might be listening right now?

00:24:02.789 --> 00:24:13.907
Tell the person who might be listening right now, who is in that space of I feel like there's more out there for me, but I'm not sure what or how to figure that out what would you tell that person?

00:24:14.714 --> 00:24:23.604
Keep seeking, keep seeking, don't stop, don't stop looking just because you hit a wall or because you sometimes we feel guilty over wanting more Like.

00:24:23.604 --> 00:24:24.747
Why do I want more Like?

00:24:24.747 --> 00:24:25.457
Things are good.

00:24:25.457 --> 00:24:26.861
Why do I want to disrupt things?

00:24:26.861 --> 00:24:31.820
But here's the thing If you do what you've always done, you're going to get what you've always gotten Right.

00:24:31.820 --> 00:24:36.946
And if there's something else you're seeking, don't be afraid to step into the unknown.

00:24:37.429 --> 00:24:41.137
Sometimes it's not that it's dangerous or that it'll disrupt things in a negative way.

00:24:41.137 --> 00:24:47.867
It'll disrupt things in a good way, because in order for us to have expansion in our spirit, we have to have new resistance.

00:24:47.867 --> 00:24:55.701
So if it's scary, if you know what your big, audacious dream is, but you don't share it with anybody because it's like who are you to have that kind of life?

00:24:55.701 --> 00:24:58.086
Let's just annihilate that right now.

00:24:58.086 --> 00:25:00.701
Who are you not to?

00:25:00.701 --> 00:25:04.594
It's like money or or any goal or dream that we have.

00:25:04.594 --> 00:25:09.316
It just makes us more of who we are, and if you're a good person, then you deserve everything that you can imagine.

00:25:09.316 --> 00:25:11.742
I, it's like why don't we have that more?

00:25:11.742 --> 00:25:13.955
Why aren't we living like kids, where you know?

00:25:14.017 --> 00:25:24.972
My kids when they were little, my boys, when they were like three years old, they watched a Batman and they had certainty that they were going to fly when they got their capes from Santa right.

00:25:25.413 --> 00:25:33.796
And when they got there and I have this little video and it's kind of sad actually, because they're running in the front yard with their capes on and they're like I can't, you know, they're so disappointed.

00:25:33.796 --> 00:25:41.381
But what was beautiful was the dream, right, the desire, the belief that the minute I set my heart to it I can have it.

00:25:41.381 --> 00:25:42.804
And it's so flippant.

00:25:42.804 --> 00:25:45.696
True, I do a lot around the rhythm of the heart.

00:25:45.696 --> 00:25:50.117
I believe our heart is a hundred thousand times stronger, magnet or energetically, than our brains.

00:25:50.117 --> 00:25:55.356
Our brains kind of tend to go logic and they kind of money the waters of what we can or can't do.

00:25:55.356 --> 00:26:05.836
Right, our heart's desire does the unmentionable right when you think about a person in sports, right If you're, if you're an agent looking for that one person that's going to be the next star.

00:26:05.836 --> 00:26:10.685
Sometimes it's not the one that always wins the race, it's the one that has heart.

00:26:11.207 --> 00:26:12.209
Most heart, that's right.

00:26:12.596 --> 00:26:13.798
Yeah, and what does that mean?

00:26:13.798 --> 00:26:17.955
Right, it's the heart does the impossible, the unmentionable, it defies the odds.

00:26:17.955 --> 00:26:24.084
It's what has a stay-at-home mom lift a Volkswagen off a child, right, and she sees that child and her heart calls to do it.

00:26:24.084 --> 00:26:26.047
She's not thinking logically.

00:26:26.047 --> 00:26:28.569
She'd say, well, that car's too heavy, I can't lift it.

00:26:28.569 --> 00:26:33.084
But when she thinks about does the absolute impossible, doesn't even realize she's doing it.

00:26:33.084 --> 00:26:39.402
So what if we can tap into that intentionally and consistently?

00:26:39.402 --> 00:26:40.806
There's nothing we can't do.

00:26:42.576 --> 00:26:43.458
That's fascinating.

00:26:43.458 --> 00:26:57.863
I never even considered it, but you've broken it down so well, and I don't know anything about the rhythm of the heart and how that impacts those pieces, but you've laid that out pretty clearly, so thank you.

00:26:58.364 --> 00:26:58.885
Absolutely.

00:26:59.976 --> 00:27:01.898
I'm curious as a coach.

00:27:01.898 --> 00:27:09.809
So, the beginning of your coaching journey, do you care to share a little bit about the ups and downs of what that looked like for you?

00:27:09.809 --> 00:27:17.509
Well, and you indicated that just right there, just to meet Tony, you made some significant commitments.

00:27:17.509 --> 00:27:23.454
But when you started coaching, what did that look like and were there challenges for you?

00:27:24.438 --> 00:27:25.480
Absolutely there were.

00:27:25.480 --> 00:27:35.999
I mean, again, at the time I'd gotten my coaching certification, but I was still working full time, and not just full time in corporate, so you're like talking almost eight to eight.

00:27:35.999 --> 00:27:38.124
I would come in on Saturdays, work till two o'clock.

00:27:38.124 --> 00:27:46.922
I mean, I was, I literally was the example of a burnout and I had clumps of hair falling out in the shower.

00:27:46.922 --> 00:27:58.098
I had heart palpitations, had to wear a 24 hour monitor and the doctor's like, okay, well, so we can give you beta blocker to help you with your heart, you know, and it looks like it's stress induced, right?

00:27:58.098 --> 00:28:03.567
So you'll be so I'll take this pill for the rest of my life to navigate my, my heart rhythm and I can keep my stress.

00:28:03.567 --> 00:28:06.351
Huh, yeah, I don't think that's going to go.

00:28:06.351 --> 00:28:08.739
So I, I never took the pill.

00:28:08.739 --> 00:28:19.442
I quit two weeks later and I, you know, I, I, I don't have heart palpitations anymore, but they were literally sentencing me to have that pill and continue my stress.

00:28:19.442 --> 00:28:22.786
They're like, well, this will help monitor the heart, so it doesn't do that while you stress out.

00:28:22.786 --> 00:28:25.127
No, so you know.

00:28:25.328 --> 00:28:32.637
So in that I, I, I was trying to build the practice while I was working and it was really difficult to make the time and then out of it.

00:28:32.637 --> 00:28:35.484
It's just like, okay, now how do I market myself, you know?

00:28:35.484 --> 00:28:40.540
And back then I was doing coaching calls in person, cause that's what I thought, that's what I was taught.

00:28:40.540 --> 00:28:46.108
The virtual thing was not until I met Tony, and that that kind of freaked me out.

00:28:46.229 --> 00:28:53.580
I'm like, oh, I'm not going to see their facial expressions, I'm like it's going to be harder, but what it ended up doing was heightening my other senses.

00:28:53.580 --> 00:28:56.227
Right, I can connect with them even more.

00:28:56.227 --> 00:28:56.567
I can.

00:28:56.567 --> 00:29:00.142
I can feel the gulp in their throat or the shortness of breath.

00:29:00.142 --> 00:29:02.448
It's so fascinating and incredible.

00:29:02.448 --> 00:29:06.002
But yeah, it was about finding clients and marketing myself.

00:29:06.002 --> 00:29:07.747
But you know what I grinded.

00:29:07.747 --> 00:29:12.486
I did networking, I joined the Chamber of Commerce, I did the whole thing.

00:29:12.486 --> 00:29:14.659
This is back again in 2005.

00:29:14.659 --> 00:29:18.229
Now things tend to be more virtual, which is great.

00:29:18.229 --> 00:29:26.660
But yeah, it definitely had its ebbs and th and throws in the beginning stages in order to find enough clients to make it go.

00:29:27.121 --> 00:29:28.483
And then once I joined Tony.

00:29:28.483 --> 00:29:34.521
Then I was able to get on some sort of rhythm with coaching clients.

00:29:35.262 --> 00:29:35.845
Oh, that's great.

00:29:35.845 --> 00:29:38.209
So there's a testament to.

00:29:38.209 --> 00:29:51.645
I've run into many coaches who have worked with or are working with Tony Robbins and the things that they offer, and all of them seem to have a fabulous experience there.

00:29:51.645 --> 00:29:53.740
So I love that.

00:29:53.740 --> 00:30:06.050
Yeah, what would you say was the most pivotal positive success at the beginning of your coaching career?

00:30:06.050 --> 00:30:12.045
Like, not not a pivotal turning point, but you know what was the?

00:30:12.045 --> 00:30:14.076
What was the highlight?

00:30:14.356 --> 00:30:31.267
that, if there was one, I think that for me and for where I wanted to take my coaching which, again, Tony's doing great work However, I wanted to go beyond the force.

00:30:31.267 --> 00:30:38.045
It felt more like a force Make your move, Shift your mindset, which is all great tools.

00:30:38.045 --> 00:30:43.987
However, I wanted to know what was the limiting thing to begin with.

00:30:43.987 --> 00:30:46.479
Why do I need to force my mindset?

00:30:46.479 --> 00:30:57.689
You know, what is it about me that I don't know or I don't love, or I don't trust enough to be in that confident state to know that I can handle any situation?

00:30:57.689 --> 00:31:04.227
And so what was impactful for me is my evolution of Jesse right.

00:31:04.227 --> 00:31:15.125
It's like seeing being the seeker, and I think that my year apprenticing with a shaman I think was was very eyeopening for me in my connection to God's spirit universe.

00:31:15.747 --> 00:31:19.440
Um, one of the things I haven't talked about is is the loss of my two brothers.

00:31:19.440 --> 00:31:24.869
My brother was murdered when I was 28 and he was 29.

00:31:24.869 --> 00:31:29.500
And in that moment I lost my faith completely.

00:31:29.500 --> 00:31:37.242
I questioned God and whether you exist or not, and if you do, I hate you for taking my brother.

00:31:37.242 --> 00:31:44.057
That's how I felt, and it wasn't until my brother showed himself to me that I was able to be witness to.

00:31:44.057 --> 00:31:45.500
I don't know where he was.

00:31:45.500 --> 00:31:47.185
He just showed me all I saw was white.

00:31:47.185 --> 00:31:50.563
I saw like images, and he just said, Jess, everything is as it's supposed to be.

00:31:50.563 --> 00:31:58.664
And I didn't quite know what it meant, but I knew that it calmed me, and then it's been a quest ever since to come back to my own spiritual connection.

00:31:59.046 --> 00:31:59.826
What do I believe?

00:31:59.826 --> 00:32:01.489
What is the divinity of Jesse?

00:32:01.489 --> 00:32:08.938
How could I see her journey as something that I can alchemize into something beautiful and then fast forward 30 years later?

00:32:08.938 --> 00:32:33.022
My little brother was murdered last year and I thought, oh my God, like I thought I had seen my darkest days and I'm like this was an uppercut of all uppercuts, and what was beautiful about it was that, because I'm a seeker of light, in the darkest moments I had to eat my own medicine, and so, in this moment of profound sorrow, profound grief, I was still able to find the beauty.

00:32:33.022 --> 00:32:41.000
I was still able to see, you know, his children coming together from separate parents and never knowing each other, acting like they've known each other their whole lives.

00:32:41.000 --> 00:32:47.858
People that posted on his Instagram how much he affected their lives, my family coming together like they never have before.

00:32:47.858 --> 00:32:51.606
It's like that light is always available.

00:32:51.606 --> 00:32:52.876
We're just not taught to seek it.

00:32:53.439 --> 00:32:59.317
So for me, I think pivotal was coming to my own spiritual awakening, the essence of Jessie.

00:32:59.317 --> 00:33:00.058
Who is she?

00:33:00.058 --> 00:33:07.367
Why did she go through what she went through and how can we find the beautiful champion in the arena, if you will, of her life?

00:33:07.367 --> 00:33:09.959
And I believe that we're here.

00:33:09.959 --> 00:33:33.546
We're spirit in a human form, having a human experience, and when we can recognize the spirit in us, knows our magnificence, knows the beauty, knows that we are God's creation and there's only the human that creates the meaning we're not enough, or the human that says that we're, for me, disgusting dirty, nobody would love me like that.

00:33:33.546 --> 00:33:41.564
So when we can merge and we can see ourselves through the lenses of spirit, God, universe, whatever your belief is, we can fall in love.

00:33:41.564 --> 00:33:44.124
We fall in love with the moments when you got knocked down.

00:33:44.124 --> 00:33:48.221
We fall in love with the moments when you made a wrong decision, or maybe it was the right decision.

00:33:48.221 --> 00:33:50.615
You just didn't know you were building courage, muscle, Right.

00:33:50.615 --> 00:33:53.746
So, um, that has been pivotal for me.

00:33:54.775 --> 00:33:58.721
That's so profound and something you said in there resonated.

00:33:58.721 --> 00:34:14.302
I, in the military again, was a master resilience trainer and that's a program founded in positive psychology and one of the exercises and tools that I often share came from that and it was exactly what you've said.

00:34:14.302 --> 00:34:24.250
But it's finding the good even in the things that we don't necessarily see for good, and it's a simple exercise.

00:34:24.250 --> 00:34:42.556
It was Dr Martin Seligman who created it and it was originally just three good things and you basically, at the end of the day, you write down three good things that came throughout the day and that's what we would teach specifically is, even when it doesn't look good, what's the bright side that is in there.

00:34:42.556 --> 00:34:45.427
You know, was there a connection made that wouldn't have been made?

00:34:45.427 --> 00:34:49.179
Was there a lesson learned that you might not otherwise have learned?

00:34:49.179 --> 00:34:58.001
That is such a powerful tool to start helping us to see more of those light moments versus the dark.

00:34:58.581 --> 00:35:02.768
So I'd love to share with you a little quote from.

00:35:02.789 --> 00:35:02.829
Mr.

00:35:02.829 --> 00:35:06.018
Rogers, if you're ancient enough to know who Mr Rogers is.

00:35:09.684 --> 00:35:18.246
He said when 9-11 hit and parents were watching the Twin Towers falling down over and over and over.

00:35:18.246 --> 00:35:20.461
It was on repeat on CNN on every channel.

00:35:21.257 --> 00:35:34.128
The children were scared, they were frightened, they were not understanding what's happening, and so he would get down on their level, like he does and he says whenever there is chaos, there is always helpers.

00:35:34.128 --> 00:35:35.777
Look for the helpers.

00:35:35.777 --> 00:35:41.768
And it was such a beautiful metaphor for finding the light in the darkest moments.

00:35:41.768 --> 00:35:46.226
Right Like you have firefighters running into the buildings you know what I mean.

00:35:46.226 --> 00:35:53.306
Like here's all this chaos, all this mayhem, and you have police officers holding the hand of someone that might be taking their last breath.

00:35:53.306 --> 00:35:57.065
Like there's so much beauty in the chaos.

00:35:57.065 --> 00:36:02.603
And when you look for the helpers, you are able to see what I believe is by design.

00:36:02.603 --> 00:36:12.606
You know, sometimes we don't know light without dark, and so if we can seek the light in the darkest moments, I think we can help our essence move through some of very difficult times.

00:36:13.648 --> 00:36:14.170
Absolutely.

00:36:14.170 --> 00:36:17.981
What a powerful testimony, what a powerful quote.

00:36:17.981 --> 00:36:24.177
I do love Fred Rogers and that movie, by the way, with Tom Hanks, was very well done.

00:36:24.177 --> 00:36:34.346
I've watched it several times now because each time I watch it there's just something more that I glean from the life and experience of Fred Rogers.

00:36:34.346 --> 00:36:46.240
So he definitely had an ability to connect with children in a way that many people can't, had an ability to connect with children in a way that many people can't.

00:36:46.240 --> 00:36:48.989
I want to switch gears just a little bit because I want to be mindful of your time.

00:36:48.989 --> 00:36:53.221
But what is the biggest problem that most people who come to work with you are facing?

00:36:55.505 --> 00:36:59.597
They're really, really hard on themselves, really hard on themselves.

00:36:59.597 --> 00:37:30.492
They have learned very, very quickly how to beat themselves up and even for some of the cause I I work a lot with uh entrepreneurs and business owners and uh these executives that um, even though, again, on paper, they're um doing well you know, um, internally, they're just constant self beat up, constant not enough constant cat chasing its tail in achievement and believing again.

00:37:30.532 --> 00:37:36.277
Like I said earlier, they're chasing their worthiness on their accomplishment or on being the best mom, or on being like.

00:37:36.277 --> 00:37:47.237
I have to do this thing because if I fail, it means this about me right, it means my dad was right, or it means that that's why my mom left me when I was two months old, or that you know, it's all of these connections.

00:37:47.237 --> 00:37:49.364
So they, they beat themselves up.

00:37:49.364 --> 00:38:04.088
I had this one client who she had reached her goal of $5 million and, uh, in her business she was fit, looked amazing, Pictures looked awesome, and her husband was about to leave her and she was exhausted.

00:38:04.088 --> 00:38:09.867
She had two sons and he was mad because she'd be at the soccer game but on her phone 24 seven.

00:38:09.867 --> 00:38:20.126
And what we ended up discovering is that when she was 10 years old, a friend of the families told her she'd never be as good as her sister or as fit as her sister.

00:38:20.795 --> 00:38:23.202
And so she was in living in comparison.

00:38:23.202 --> 00:38:28.918
She was constantly trying to be the fittest, trying to make the most money, and her sister was in the same business.

00:38:28.918 --> 00:38:37.204
So she was in this comparison her entire life, to the point that she wasn't even present with her family and so beating herself up I'm not enough.

00:38:37.204 --> 00:38:40.204
Oh, I made less money than I did last year, now I failed.

00:38:40.204 --> 00:38:42.514
Or I gained 10 pounds on, now I failed.

00:38:42.514 --> 00:38:45.501
Or I mean, it was just a constant repetition of self beat up.

00:38:46.021 --> 00:38:50.197
Wow, yeah, I can see how that's super helpful.

00:38:50.197 --> 00:38:56.775
Especially so I'm curious after working with you, did she and her husband still divorce?

00:38:57.715 --> 00:38:58.436
No, they're still.

00:38:58.436 --> 00:39:04.940
They're still together and she's rocking's rocking and she's connected to her faith and she's just leading women.

00:39:04.940 --> 00:39:09.083
It's just phenomenal to watch her and her boys are growing up.

00:39:09.083 --> 00:39:13.967
I mean, this was probably, I want to say, 10 years ago, you know, but it is.

00:39:13.967 --> 00:39:15.268
And what's great is that she came to coaching right.

00:39:15.268 --> 00:39:18.791
Because, again, oftentimes they don't think they need it because well, they're doing well, successful, whatever success means to you.

00:39:18.791 --> 00:39:25.543
Right, because, again, oftentimes they don't think they need it because well, they're doing well, successful, whatever success means to you.

00:39:25.543 --> 00:39:27.715
Right, on paper, I've made this much money.

00:39:27.715 --> 00:39:28.878
I don't need coaching.

00:39:28.878 --> 00:39:38.775
But she knew she had to do something drastic because she wasn't happy, right, she was depressed and her husband was at his wit's end and so she didn't want to lose her family.

00:39:38.775 --> 00:39:41.559
So I encourage people to come way before that.

00:39:42.762 --> 00:39:54.476
Know that if there's limitation in your life right now, in any on any level, I have the three, three levels of trauma.

00:39:54.476 --> 00:39:56.420
One is undiagnosed, the other is unacknowledged and the other is unresolved.

00:39:56.420 --> 00:40:00.909
So oftentimes, like for me and my husband right, my ex husband we knew our trauma.

00:40:00.909 --> 00:40:02.762
I know I was molested.

00:40:02.762 --> 00:40:08.505
He knew he was raised with an alcoholic mother and we thought that was enough to know it's not.

00:40:08.505 --> 00:40:19.989
Sometimes we know it but we're not acknowledging the emotional damage it created or the mind shift, beliefs that it created in us that we're now carrying into all of our relationships.

00:40:20.369 --> 00:40:24.181
And here's the thing If you do not resolve it, it will show up.

00:40:24.181 --> 00:40:28.215
If it was, let's just say, your dad used to beat you Okay, let's just say.

00:40:28.215 --> 00:40:36.362
If you don't resolve that, then you will attract men who treat you badly because you're repeating the pattern of the belief that this is normal.

00:40:36.362 --> 00:40:44.788
Or you'll be so angry at men that you're going to walk around with your Dukes up right and you're living in your masculine and you're going to attract pleasers.

00:40:44.788 --> 00:40:54.702
Either way, you're going to be completely topsy-turvy and you don't realize that what happened to you is going to show up in either a man, in a boss, in a friend.

00:40:54.702 --> 00:41:00.867
It'll repeat itself in other situations and other human beings until you resolve it.

00:41:00.867 --> 00:41:05.521
You can't install new software on an old operating system, expect it not to glitch.

00:41:05.521 --> 00:41:07.065
It's going to glitch.

00:41:07.065 --> 00:41:08.596
We need to upgrade the program.

00:41:10.418 --> 00:41:16.856
That is outstanding, and if people wanted to find out more about your work, where would you tell them to go?

00:41:17.878 --> 00:41:19.202
UnshakableLifecom.

00:41:19.202 --> 00:41:22.086
You can come there and schedule a call with me.

00:41:22.086 --> 00:41:25.762
Look, it's a free call and at least we can have a conversation around.

00:41:25.762 --> 00:41:31.085
You know if I can support you or I can at least give you some clarity about where you're at and where you want to go.

00:41:31.085 --> 00:41:34.887
Either way, we'll have a good time and I'm happy to support you.

00:41:34.887 --> 00:41:53.777
And I also have this 10 step guide to freedom that I'm offering your audience as a free gift, and it's a guide that says, no matter what your situation is, no matter what you're going through where you might think that there's no way out, this guide will give you some tools to utilize right now, no matter what your situation is.

00:41:53.777 --> 00:41:59.536
So I'm happy to give it to you guys and, again, schedule a call with me and I'd happy to support.

00:42:00.400 --> 00:42:01.181
Oh, that's wonderful.

00:42:01.181 --> 00:42:02.445
I'm sorry.

00:42:02.445 --> 00:42:04.262
Did you tell us where to go to get the guide?

00:42:05.476 --> 00:42:06.398
It'll be in your show notes.

00:42:06.960 --> 00:42:09.081
Ah, yes, okay, I'll put the link in the show notes.

00:42:09.081 --> 00:42:12.385
We did talk about that beforehand on my apologies.

00:42:12.385 --> 00:42:29.677
So any parting thoughts or one piece of wisdom that you would drop for someone who's struggling and they're on the fence maybe they're not ready to call you, uh, or to look you up or call me, for that matter, but what?

00:42:29.677 --> 00:42:32.666
What piece of advice or word of wisdom would you give them?

00:42:34.436 --> 00:42:41.722
You know something that I think I would have wanted to know when I was younger you're doing a great job, like.

00:42:41.722 --> 00:42:44.148
Whatever your situation is right now.

00:42:44.148 --> 00:42:52.398
I do invite you that, if there is a flicker left in you that this conversation can spark a little bit of a flame, that you do take action.

00:42:52.398 --> 00:42:59.438
You do not have to go it alone and you matter and know that you're doing a great job.

00:42:59.438 --> 00:43:05.297
Don't beat yourself up for where you're at or because you're not where so-and-so is or where so-and-so is Like you are.

00:43:05.297 --> 00:43:15.204
What if God made you the way he did on purpose and that your situation is right now to help you hear this message and take one more action step towards your freedom?

00:43:15.204 --> 00:43:20.295
I encourage you to do that, but do it from honoring and loving yourself, not from beating yourself up.

00:43:21.838 --> 00:43:24.420
Thank you so much for that kind message.

00:43:24.420 --> 00:43:28.346
I think that will definitely benefit the person who needs to hear it.

00:43:28.346 --> 00:43:33.271
So with that, I think we'll wrap up today's show.

00:43:33.271 --> 00:43:38.938
Thank you so much, jessie, for taking time to join me and share.

00:43:38.938 --> 00:43:46.360
I feel like we've only just scratched the surface, because you've got so much story that contributes to who you are and where you are today.

00:43:46.360 --> 00:43:49.407
What a great conversation for me.

00:43:49.407 --> 00:43:49.969
So thank you.

00:43:50.474 --> 00:43:52.202
Thank you very much, I appreciate it.

00:43:52.715 --> 00:43:53.237
Absolutely.

00:43:53.237 --> 00:44:00.661
If you enjoyed this conversation, I would just ask that you share this with someone else and don't forget to go check out Jesse's work.

00:44:00.661 --> 00:44:04.929
I will share all the links in the show notes, and until next time.